


sparks go to college to get more knowledge

by destiny919, MagicalSpaceDragon



Series: Locally Grown, Grain-Fed AUs [1]
Category: Girl Genius
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Multi
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-08-02
Updated: 2016-03-08
Packaged: 2018-04-12 15:30:43
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,396
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4484715
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/destiny919/pseuds/destiny919, https://archiveofourown.org/users/MagicalSpaceDragon/pseuds/MagicalSpaceDragon
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Gilgamesh Wulfenbach has undertaken a noble quest - to disappoint his father.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> The first crop planted in Destiny919 and MagicalSpaceDragon's organic AU farm. 
> 
> Basically, our shitty AUs are fantastic and we need to share them with the world.

Gil stared into the depths of his coffee like it could tell him the answers to this math assignment. Or write the two essays he had due tomorrow. Or repair the three all-nighters he still hadn’t recovered from.

He looked upwards, wondering if he should say a brief prayer for his sanity, then grabbed the can of Monster from his bag.

“I’m going to die,” he announced flatly as he poured the energy drink into his coffee.

“Probably,” said a voice next to him. Gil looked up to see a guy with dark red hair staring at him with a mix of disgust and concern.

“Well, if I don’t do well in this class, my father will kill me anyway, so it’s a zero-sum game, really,” Gil said dryly.

“I’d think the overdose of caffeine would be an awfully unpleasant way to go.”

“You’ve obviously never met my father. This is preferable.”

The redhead made a face. “You have my sympathy.”

“Thanks,” Gil said, staring down at the abomination in his hand in the hopes it would… turn into plane tickets, or something… before he gave up and downed half of it. He gagged on the taste of it but- if only for the sake of the redhead, who was turning a little green around the edges- managed to keep it all down. “Oh, _god_ , that’s disgusting.”

“I’ll have 911 pre-dialed.”

“Poison control too, please.” He pinched his nose and took another swig.

“And what name should I tell them to put on your tombstone?”

“Gilgamesh Wulfenbach,” he said, sticking out his free hand, which turned out to be his left. “Gil.”

“Tarvek Sturmvoraus,” the redhead said, returning the handshake with a bemused look. “Please try not to die in this class, I need to talk to the professor later.”

“I don’t know if I can keep any promises right now.”

.

.

The rest of the abomination, another coffee, and three classes- one of which he was almost certainly going to fail- later, Gil was beginning to wonder if death by caffeine maybe wasn’t the best of his options here. It was an ambiguous situation, certainly, but he was starting to think he needed a second opinion.

He had to dial his sister’s number twice before she picked up. “Sup, little bro?”

“I’ve ingested enough caffeine in the past seven hours to kill most house pets. Possibly some farm animals. I’m estimating, I haven’t actually done calculations, which I probably should if I’m going to be making statements like that-”

“Focus, little bro.”

“So at this point I’m going to either die of a drug overdose or survive the chemicals in my system, fail all my classes, and die of Dad. I need a witness for my will.”

“Dad’s not going to kill you.”

“Yes, he _is_! Zeetha, you know how much he expects of me, he’s going to be so disappointed-”

“-because you can’t reasonably handle 19 credits and, what, three different clubs?”

“Two, I had to drop fencing for the semester to study.”

“And yet the guy manages not to give _me_ shit about anything better than a-”

“God, Zeetha, I _know_!” Gil ran a hand through his hair, snarling. “He lets you run around doing whatever, yeah, sorry he’s not constantly meddling in _your_ life-”

“ _Gil_ ,” Zeetha said firmly. “I’m sorry. That’s not what I meant at all.”

He sighed, not really wanting to have this argument again either. “Okay, what?”

“I’m _saying_ that he expects completely different things from the two of us. We’re the same age, we’re both smart, but he holds you to a way higher standard and it’s not _fair_. The problem is with him, not you.”

“But Zee, he’ll _make_ it my problem. You know he will.”

“What’s he gonna do? You’re eighteen, big bro. Start acting like it. I mean, besides running around partying and- _wait a second_.”

“Wait- no. Oh, _no_. Zeetha, I’m not going to-”

“C’mon, it’s foolproof! I’m the disappointment child who goes to parties and sleeps around, so he doesn’t bother putting pressure on me! All you have to do to escape his evil tyranny is join me here in my wretched hive of scum and villainy! It’s _fuuunnn_!”

“I’m sure it is,” Gil growled. “But not for me.”

“Okay, yeah, I know, you’re a super blushing virgin about sex and stuff-”

“-hey-”

“-BUT here’s the thing, you don’t _actually_ have to have sex with half the school and get drunk every weekend!”

“Please tell me you’re exaggerating about your habits.”

“You just need to make Dad _think_ you are! All the disappointment, none of the gross stuff to offend your squeaky clean sensibilities!”

Gil stared at the wall. “So, you’re saying that the best way to deal with the _very real_ threat of Dad guilting me into oblivion with his disappointment… is to disappoint him. _Wildly_.”

“And on your terms,” Zee said gently. “I’m not gonna, like, start spreading misinformation without your permission or some dick move like that. If you don’t wanna do this then duh, I’ll respect that, lil’ bro, that’s what I’m here for.”

“... Even if he _doesn’t_ ease up about school, it’ll probably be fun to mess with him, huh?”

“Yeah, that’s the spirit!”


	2. Chapter 2

The perfect opportunity to act on Zeetha’s plan came along a couple days later when his roommate Theo invited him to a kegger. Gil knew what they were, because he had gone to the same boarding school as his sister, but had never actually been to one. And despite the plan, he didn’t want to _now_ , either.

Zeetha was not impressed by this.

“Go big or go home!” she crowed. “A nice garden-variety kegger is the perfect way to ease you into my lifestyle, or at least faking it. And you said Theo invited you, and you like him, right?”

“Sure, he’s a good roommate so far. Nice of him to invite me, I guess,” Gil admitted grudgingly.

“Great! Then you’ll know at least one other person there.”

“...Other?”

“Well, I’m not letting you go _alone_ , silly!” She grinned at him from her perch on his desk - where she was crushing his biochem homework, he noted with some chagrin. “Besides, I heard about this party - all the jagers are going!”

“Oh.” Gil turned pale. “Oh _god_.”

“Relax, big bro. You’ll like them, I promise!”

“I still don’t understand how we’ve been at school for a month and you’re already friends with an entire fraternity.”

“They’re a _friendly_ fraternity!”

Gil made a face at her. “This is the same frat that literally threw a guy in the river because he insulted somebody’s hat, right?”

She waved a hand dismissively. “That was just Othar, nobody likes him.”

“Zeetha, there’s _no way in hell_ I’m going to this.”

 

.

 

Gil stared mutinously into the depths of his beer. “I cannot _believe_ you talked me into coming to this.”

Zee elbowed him. “Lighten up! You know you don’t actually need to _drink_ anything, you big nerd.”

“Then why did you bring me this beer, Zeetha? _Why?_ Why has my own beloved little sister betrayed me like this? What have I done to deserve this?”

She rolled her eyes. “Gil, calm down- _oh my god._ ” Her toothy grin when she whirled on him was, as always, a sight to behold. “Okay, bro, I just saw Higgs, so I’m just gonna-”

“You are _not_ stranding me here to go flirt with some frat boy.”

She pouted at him. “Fine, you big baby. _THEO_!” She peered off into the crowd of people. (It was about 50% jagers, which meant the place was a sea of bizarre hats and thick accents.) “Okay, look, Theo’s coming over now, we’ll tag-team the chaperoning. Try not to faint before he gets here.”

“I do not _faint,_ ” he protested. Zeetha just snorted and disappeared into the crowd.

Gil glared venomously into his untouched drink with such intensity that he almost didn’t notice his roommate’s arrival.

“You look like you’re having fun,” Theo observed. “Having second thoughts about coming?”

“My second thoughts were when Zee convinced me to show up. Now I’m having _third_ thoughts.”

Theo nodded sagely, like Gil had just spoken some ancient truth. “You could leave, you know.”

“Nah, I’ve gotta stay,” he said, scowling deeper at his drink.

“Because…?”

“I’m trying to disappoint my father.”

A look of understanding passed over Theo’s face. “Well, in _that_ case, you’ll want this,” he said, taking Gil’s cup and replacing it with the one he’d been carrying. “Something I mixed up just now, it’s _much_ better than beer.”

“That’s probably not hard,” Gil said, wrinkling his nose.

He took a sip.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PUBLISHED IN HONOR OF A CERTAIN WEASEL PRINCE'S RETURN

Tarvek was going to  _ kill _ Violetta. Honestly, he meant it this time. She’d had her eye on some girl who was, in her words, "extremely smoking hot, like literally an Amazon goddess Tarvek I’m serious,” and apparently she was convinced that in order to properly approach such a dating prospect, she needed a “wingman.”

Violetta then had gone on to explain why Anevka was a completely unacceptable choice of wingwoman, an explanation mainly focusing on how Anevka was “stiff” and “way too classy.” Tarvek, already ignoring the implication that he  _ wasn’t _ classy, hadn’t bothered faking interest, and had actually been close to blocking out the rant entirely, until Violetta had managed to circle around to her point-

“-which is why I need  _ you _ to come with me!”

When he had attempted to protest that really, he was the last person she should be bringing to this- this  _ kegger _ , he’d said with only a slight cringe, she had steadfastly ignored him. Arguing with Violetta when she got like this was a losing battle, and he couldn’t even come up with an urgent reason he needed to stay home instead, which was what had landed him in Violetta’s Prius.

His cousin stomped on the gas.

“Violetta,” he said, clutching at the sides of the passenger seat despite himself, “I think you’re driving a  _ tad _ more aggressively than is strictly necessary-”

“Fight me,” she snapped. “ _ You’re _ the reason we’re late.”

“You know, I wouldn’t have minded you leaving  _ without _ me-” She jerked the wheel sharply to the left and he cringed.

“No way,” she said, baring her teeth at him. “You  _ are _ coming to this thing, and you  _ are _ going to be my wingman.”

“Shouldn’t a wingman be a willing participant? This is kidnapping!”

She snorted. “Can it, you big baby, I just need backup. Like I said, I couldn’t bring Anevka, you know she acts like a killer robot half the time.”

“Did you at any point consider bringing a  _ friend _ ? Instead of depending on your  _ relatives _ ?” 

He knew that was a low blow when he said it- the closest thing either of them had to a real friend right now was each other, despite Tarvek’s attempts at networking. 

Sure enough, Violetta just scowled and changed lanes with all the caution of a getaway car. “Fine,” he said, giving up hope, only partially because he felt guilty for that jab. “At least tell me what I’m working with here.”

“She’s- she’s like a fucking  _ war goddess _ , Tarvek, she’s  _ gorgeous _ and has muscles that were sculpted by- you’re the art nerd, who’s a sculptor that does really good muscles?”

“Mi-”

“-I don’t actually care, anyway she’s a total badass and she seems really chill and she’s  _ so  _ out of my league, Tarvek, what do I  _ do _ ?”

Tarvek sighed. “Vi, I’ve never even had a girlfriend, why are you asking  _ me _ for dating advice?”

“ _ Killer robot _ , Tarvek.” She pulled a face at him. “Plus, you watch all those sappy romance movies, you’ve gotta know  _ something _ .”

But life did not follow the rules of rom-coms, something the world routinely saw fit to remind him of. 

When they finally arrived at their destination, the only parking that could be found was nearly a block away from the frat house. And yet Tarvek could still feel the bass pounding through the pavement. 

“Um, Vi-” he started. 

His cousin just grabbed him by the wrist and dragged him towards hell. 

It was crammed with people. Some were gyrating along with the thunderous music, some were standing or sitting with cups of what was presumably alcohol. There were especially dense clusters around what must have been the kegs. The sea of heads was peppered with the jager house’s signature outlandish hats. The air smelled of cheap liquor and unwashed college students.

“Vi,” Tarvek said faintly. “Vi,  _ what the fuck _ .”

“Keep an eye out for gorgeous green hair,” she said. “It shouldn’t be hard, she’s like six feet tall.” Tarvek pictured his purple-haired, five-foot-zero cousin next to a green-haired Amazon war goddess a foot taller than her. There were not words.

“Okay,” Violetta said. Her grip on his wrist was almost painful now. “I’m… going to get a drink.”

“You can do this,” he said, only a little sardonically. 

“Of course I can,” she snapped frantically. “I-”

He slanted a look at her. “Do you want me to come?” he asked with heavy irony. 

“Well, you  _ are _ supposed to be my wingman!” Eyes bright with relief, Violetta led him over to the less crowded keg. It was still swarmed with people. 

“You owe me  _ so _ many favors for this,” Tarvek grumbled. 

“Oh, shut up. You could try meeting someone too, y’know.” She shoved a plastic cup into his hand. “What about that guy from your chemistry class? With the coffee?”

“I  _ seriously _ doubt he’s here-”

“EVERYBODY’S here!” she shouted, either to be heard over a particularly pounding bass line, or just because she was Violetta and “violently exasperated with Tarvek” was her natural state. 

“Yes, I know it seems that way, Vi, but TPU has many more students than-”

“-Whatever, we’ve been here for a  _ month _ , have you really not met anyone else?”

Tarvek bristled a bit. “I have met  _ many _ people, but I don’t think most of them are likely to be at a jager party!” Especially not Gil. Questionable beverage decisions aside, he seemed rather grounded and obviously devoted to his studies. 

Then again, so was Tarvek, and yet here he was. 

Still, it was very unlikely that he’d see Gil here, of all places, but that was  _ perfectly _ fine- they’d been chatting in class, and Tarvek was hoping to invite him to study or-

“Whoa,” said Violetta. “What the hell did  _ that _ guy drink?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it was taking us way too long to agree on how exactly to deliver some of these lines but we finally worked it out because tARVEK STURMVORAUS IS BACK


End file.
